Marriage counseling is rarely an easy endeavor. More often than not, initial sessions are uncomfortable. Over time though, clients and their therapists should settle in and start making real progress. But what if this is not the case? How do you know if your marriage counseling sessions are going well or are actually off the rails?
Outside of the weekly sessions, progress can be measured by how couples are relating to one another. Fewer fights and a more cohesive interaction are both good signs. During the actual sessions, there are certain signs suggesting things are not going well.
Below are five such signs from Relationships & More, a marriage and relationship therapy clinic in Westchester County, NY. If you are currently in marriage counseling and you recognize any of them, it might be time for some soul-searching.
1. Not Showing up on Time
Therapy sessions are time-limited. As a general rule, 60 minutes is about right. If either a couple or their therapist shows up late, time is wasted. More importantly, consistently showing up late suggests that one or both parties are not taking the session seriously.
Being late for a session is no big deal if it’s a rarity. But if it is a regular thing, not showing up on time can actually do more harm to the relationship. Tardiness is something that should be addressed if it’s a consistent problem.
2. Allowing Distractions
Marriage counseling sessions are designed to be conversational. Therapists speak with their clients; they encourage husbands and wives to converse with one another. While those conversations are taking place, there should be nothing distracting anyone in the room.
Allowing distractions is not good. Everyone’s cell phone should be turned off. Therapists should have a policy of not being disturbed by clinic staff while in session. There should be no doodling on notepads, no daydreaming, etc.
3. Signs of Boredom
One or more parties showing any signs of boredom is a big red flag. Maybe the therapist cannot seem to stop yawning. Perhaps the husband seems so disengaged that he’s not paying attention to the conversation. Maybe the wife would rather talk about anything other than the problems at hand. These are all signs of boredom. They are all signs that marriage counseling sessions aren’t going well.
4. Superficial Conversations
Not every word spoken in a therapy session is going to be profound. Not every sentence is going to be potentially life-changing. And yes, there will be some amount of small talk and chatter. But for the most part, session conversations should not be superficial. They should be about figuring out why couples are struggling.
Superficial conversations are a big red flag. If couples are not able to dig deep with their therapists, they aren’t likely to accomplish anything meaningful.
5. An Improper Focus
Finally, marriage counseling sessions are clearly off the rails if their focus isn’t on the couple and their struggles. Couples seek out marriage counseling because they need help getting the relationships back on track. Doing so ought to be the only thing therapists and clients focus on.
As a side note, it can be difficult for a therapist to maintain the focus during the first few sessions with new clients. Why? Because avoidance is a common tactic couples employ to avoid revealing their problems. Once the avoidance is overcome, maintaining focus should be easier.
Sometimes marriage counseling sessions go off the rails. When couples and their therapists know what to look for, adjustments can be made to get things back on track. Otherwise, getting any value from therapy is challenging.
